It is said that at the dawn of time when Zeus first created mankind, he created them with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. According to Plato, Zeus feared their power so much that he decided to split them into two equal parts. In doing so, he not only ripped their physical being apart, but their ethereal form as well, condemning them to roam the earth in search of their other half.
If you look as far back as 2000 BC, at Egypt and their mythology text, The Book of the Dead, it’s written that the god of pre-existence and post-existence, Atum, created two gods, Shu and Tefnut—each possessed half a soul. Closer home, there exists an idea that you have a karmic connection with certain souls. Called lehnu in Gujarati, it translates to the link with another soul that you keep crossing paths with, one that positively impacts you and them.
Now, whether soulmates exist is debatable, but those who have reported finding ‘The One’, have all had similar things to say: their person, twin-flame, or soulmate feels like home like they’ve known each other their whole life, or that they belonged to one another. Which brings me to the most important question: do soulmates exist? Bhavya Arora, founder and CEO of New Thought Therapist, a social enterprise working to expand access to quality mental health support and simplified psychoeducation, says, “As a mental health professional, I tend to honour individuals in their belief systems. If individuals believe in the idea of soulmates, I value and appreciate that; if they don’t, that’s absolutely welcomed too.”
Reality bytes
The idea of having one perfect partner, that fairytale romance, and all that goes with it, has been propagated by pop culture. If movies are to be believed, the protagonist must kiss a few frogs till he or she finds their ‘true love’. But what happens after the credits have long since rolled away? Hritik Singh, a Lucknow-based International Coaching Federation (ICF) accredited dating coach, says, “The whole idea of a soulmate is an unrealistic and naive one. According to the soulmate theory, there is just one person on this planet (our other half) who will fit perfectly with ‘our incomplete soul’, and allegedly, when we do find them, our life is said to take a dramatic 180-degree shift and we will eternally be happy in the arms of that person. How realistic does this idea seem?”
But Singh isn’t wrong to dismiss the theory. If you have to look at this logically, the soulmate theory doesn’t geographically narrow down where your other half will be, does it? “The chances of meeting our soulmate are slim to none,” says Singh. “Moreover, in a way, this is an idea born out of covert arrogance and entitlement — you think you are incredibly special that only one person in this entire world is capable of being with you. Are the rest somehow unworthy matches? The soulmate idea, at best, is unrealistic, and at worst, is detrimental, self-sabotaging and self-destructive,” he adds, reiterating the fact that pop culture and movies are made to make money, not give us grand lessons in love.
Arora believes that this concept can lead individuals or couples to idealise their relationships. “We tend to look at relationships as ‘everlasting’. However, each relationship dynamic is exactly that: DYNAMIC. It can last long term or be a short-termed shared space between two individuals. The idea of soulmates may cause individuals to be too picky while single, or too scared to lose their partners in romantic relationships,” she says.
The warm and fuzzies
There’s no denying that the idea of having someone made just for you is comforting. However, the reality is far from perfect. Often, people admit to being completely turned off by a person after an initial meeting only to have their minds changed after getting to know them on a more intimate footing. “There isn’t one right person tailor-made just for us; there will be many people who will have the potential to be right for us. The right person is the person we are choosing to love and build a life with. Moreover, there is no credible scientific proof for the soulmate theory. Also, why would we want to believe in something that hurts and disempowers us instead of something that helps us?” Singh elaborates.
According to the New Oxford American, a soulmate is “a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner.” By this definition, a soulmate exists but it doesn’t limit the number of people that can be ideally suitable. “Whether soulmates exist or don’t is quite subjective. What I do know is that the idea of ‘only one’ can often be rooted in fear. As a therapist, I am more intrigued by my client’s relationship with the idea of soulmates and how it impacts their feelings and behaviours. Are they using the idea of only one to distance from intimacy? How realistic is the idea of only one and where are their expectations coming from? Is their attachment to the idea/individual secure? If not, why?” Arora says.
And most experts would agree that it’s important to first feel secure in our individuality before we can feel secure in a couple. “The soulmate theory suggests that people are incomplete, in and of themselves. It tends to create a lot of shame, self-doubt, self-pity, self-loathing if we are single. This destroys our perception of singlehood, a vital time for personal development. When we don’t feel whole on our own, we latch on to other people, creating a co-dependent relationship to fill that void. It is that hyper dependency/desperate energy that pushes people away,” Singh explains.
Arora adds, “If the individual is seeking a soulmate to complete themselves, it can be unhealthy. However, if an individual is seeking companionship in someone through the lens of complementary qualities, safety and an ineffable connection, it can be hopeful.”
It's not all bad
While reality dictates that the theory of a soulmate is naïve, it’s not an implausible concept. After all, there must be some secret behind the head-over-heels love that’s followed by vows ‘till death’. Besides, there’s no reason to not take an optimist’s approach to dating, is there? And considering Valentine’s Day is hours away, there’s nothing wrong in looking. “If you are looking for your soulmates, I suggest you explore the premise of looking,” says Arora, elaborating, “How do you wish to feel when you meet them? How do you currently feel about your singlehood? Finding comfort with yourself can save you from forming insecure attachments or hasty decisions.”
Echoing similar sentiments, Singh adds, “The only possible positive of the soulmate theory is that it keeps us hopeful in our dating lives. However, there’s being hopeful and then there’s naivety. Instead of focusing on finding your soulmate, focus on choosing a healthy and compatible partner. Believe that multiple people can be right for you. Next, understand who you are — your strengths, weaknesses, and values, what you want from life and your relationships, and what your boundaries are. A connection is extremely important but instead of focusing solely on that connection, focus on what constitutes a healthy relationship — accountability, trust, respect, and being emotionally available. Moreover, when you do find a great person, don’t self-sabotage. Besides, it pays to stay hopeful and positive about finding love. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there and then see what happens.”
Besides, nobody quite believed in love as much as Carrie Bradshaw. As she put it, “The most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone who loves you, well, that’s just fabulous.”
