I remember sitting in bed with my ex one night, having to explain why there was a vibrator just lying in my shopping cart. His first response was, “Am I not enough?” Considering his fragile ego and the fact that I didn’t have the energy for an argument, I simply removed it and added it to my wish list. Looking back, I wish I vocalised my desire to experiment and spice things up in bed. I can’t help but wonder what our sex life would have been like if I had. Truth be told, I eventually ended up buying it, and if I’m being completely honest, it was the best sex I’d had in a long time — solo or otherwise.
Like me, countless women and men hide their toys away, simply because they’re worried about how it will make their significant other feel. Which is why it’s important to ask yourself this: can the use of a sex toy boost a relationship? Dr Sagar Mundada, a Mumbai-based consultant psychiatrist, sexologist, and de-addiction specialist, says, “With the introduction of toys in a couple’s sex life, the impact can either be positive or negative depending on the underlying level of communication between partners and how they approach the use of sex toys. The fact remains, toys help couples experiment and add new sensations when it comes to sexual expression. Besides, novelty always makes any experience more enjoyable and sex toys help couples on that front.”
Performance anxiety
The question of whether or not a partner is good enough isn’t exclusive to men alone. Insecurities can creep up, particularly if sexual prowess, body image issues and an overall lack of confidence come into play. The introduction of external elements (a third partner or even sex toys) can be intimidating. “One’s perception towards sex toys is the primary reason couples feel intimidated. A lack of knowledge about their operation, coupled with feelings of inadequacy, can really be a big turn off,” says Dr Mundada.
However, Apurupa Vatsalya, a Mumbai-based Sexuality Educator, believes that perspective and perceptions are the biggest factors that can make or break your confidence when it comes to the use of sex toys. “I often compare sex toys to kitchen appliances. Sure, one can use a mortar and pestle to make a chutney, but a mixer grinder can save time, energy, and if nothing else, can just be a different experience — toys can do things that humans possibly cannot. They can help you experience a new sensation that is different from the ones you might experience through using your tongue, fingers, or genitals,” she says. In fact, she makes it a point to state that couples who have reported using toys believe that they have helped them communicate better before, during and after sex since it requires one to unlearn shame and stigma, express their desires as well give direction and feedback.
Dr Mundada also points out that sex toys can harm couples, in extreme cases. “A decreased sense of self and the need for external help when it comes to sexual intimacy is not common and can negatively impact a couple’s sex life. Moreover, feelings of inadequacy are common if sexual satisfaction is highly dependent on toys. Also, if not used correctly and safely, sex toys can damage genitals and cause one to have a severely diminished libido.”
Don’t toy with it
One mustn’t underestimate the power of foreplay. And no, we don’t mean physically but emotionally and mentally. Talking about it before can go a long way. “If people don’t necessarily talk about how they’re feeling about the toy on an emotional, physical, and sexual level before, during and after using the toy, it may result in issues. If one partner is sexually insecure, the toys may bring up triggering feelings, negatively impacting the relationship,” Vatsalya elaborates. However, Dr Mundada is quick to provide a viable solution. “Telling yourself that sex toys supplement and not substitute your sexual intimacy relieves a lot of anxiety,” he adds.
And he’s not wrong. While using a toy is sex that will guarantee an orgasm, let’s not discount the intimacy that comes with skin-to-skin contact. Recently-single Charmaine Noronha* has been vocal about just how pleasurable sex with her ‘magic wand’ has been. When asked about physical intimacy, she said, “With my last boyfriend, sex became all about the finish line. He didn’t seem to understand that I needed a lot of stimulation to enjoy sex. After I bought the wand, I’d climax within 30 seconds and those were better than any orgasms I’ve had — better than sex with someone whose only objective was to be done in 30 minutes or less. Do I miss the touch of a man? Absolutely. There’s no discounting it. But given my experiences, I figured a battery-operated boyfriend was better than having to fake an orgasm only to finish myself off later.”
While Noronha isn’t shy about her preferences, there exists a few myths around the use of toys. Contrary to what people think, it’s not only couples who don’t enjoy satisfactory sex that opt for toys. “Research shows that couples who feel more sexually and romantically satisfied are the ones who are more likely to report having used sex toys together,” Vatsalya shares. And this is true for those who use toys to masturbate as well. “Solo play while in a relationship is healthy and is a great way for individuals to connect with their bodies and desires,” Vatsalya adds.
But this begs the question: could the use of toys make regular sex dull and boring? Vatsalya disagrees. “If you remember that toys aren’t meant to replace human touch or connection, but are meant to enhance it or make it spicier, there’s no need to worry. Treat them as collaborators, not competitors,” she explains.
Three simple rules
It all begins and ends with healthy communication. Besides, not all rules are meant to be broken. If the idea of using a sex toy intrigues you and your partner, make sure you’re well-versed in how to use them and follow some simple rules — don’t use toys as a sexy surprise, communicate before, during, and after the use of toys, and make safety a priority. “Make the decision to use it consensually,” Dr Mundada affirms. “This should be preceded by an open communication that considers apprehensions from both sides. Also, while selecting your toy, check the quality and materials used and understand the device before introducing it in the bedroom. This will rule out the chance of any allergies or physical injury,” he adds.
Vatsalya believes that an introduction of external stimulators should be done with utmost safety and respect. “Start with something basic like a bullet vibrator. Schedule a date night to use the toy. Make it sexy and fun. Wash your toys as per the instructions they come with before and after use. Store them properly and keep them dry. Remember that you don’t have to do anything that’s uncomfortable for you. If you don’t like the way toys feel, you can always go acoustic,” she advises.
Besides, it’s good to get by with a little help from your friends, and who said those friends can’t be inanimate? “Remember, toys are basically pleasure enablers and we all know that increased pleasure and orgasms mean stress relief, better sleep and mood, feeling more relaxed, releasing sexual tension and enabling you to express yourself sexually. And when you have a partner by your side, it doesn’t get better than that,” Vatsalya signs off.
