Homemaker Aarti Khanna readily admits that she is incapable of scolding her grandchildren. “My three tiny tots are so cute and tender. Even when I have to pull them up sometimes I can't stop myself from laughing... so none of them take my scolding seriously.” Yet, she reveals that she was a strict mother with her own children, especially when it came to their studies.
Stock trader Dilip Talreja makes no bones about being deeply attached to his only daughter’s seven-year-old twins. “When my granddaughter Ria cries, I don’t know how to handle it. I get extremely upset. When the twins smile and come running to me, calling out naanu, it brightens up my day.”
Bandra-based jeweller Raj Mahtani declares thoughtfully, “I am definitely more lenient with my grandkids than I was with my two boys — Ashish and Avinash. I guess it’s because as I have grown older I have realised that we shouldn't be that strict with children.”
Jahan, Sheila, Avika, Raj Mahtani and Shiveer |
Though separated by a generation, grandparents and grandchildren form one of the strongest relationships forged by human beings. And, at times, when parents are caught up in the hurly-burly of providing for and taking care of the family, granny and gramps can step in to provide emotional sustenance to the child. And, what better day than Grandparents’ Day (September 8) to understand why they are more lenient with their grandchildren than their children.
Rhea Shahani, Senior Psychologist, Flute and Dice Clinic, feels, “The bond between grandparents and grand children often has a unique depth. Research shows that close relationships with grandparents can positively influence a child’s emotional and cognitive development well into adulthood.”
Shanaira, Aarti, and her daughter-in-law Khushi |
“Having grandchildren makes me feel like I've got a new bunch of friends,” smiles Mahtani. “At this stage of our lives, we indulge them in a way that we probably did not have the time to do with our own children because of work. But I am not always lenient. If they get their iPads to the dining table, I tell them they will get no meal whatsoever.” His son, Ashish Mahtani, says gratefully, “Having grandparents makes a massive difference. We are even able to make trips without our children and get some alone time. It’s a great symbiotic scenario.”
On the question of indulgence, he concedes, “My parents are definitely more lenient with their grandchildren than they were with me. They’re at a more relaxed stage of life. The kids love doing sleepovers, they bond a lot with their grandmother over music and their grandfather over sports though they don't follow the same teams.”
Psychiatrist, Dr. Harish Shetty thinks that grandparents are more lenient with their grandkids for several reasons. “They believe that disciplining children is sole responsibility of parents. They also seek joy with their grandkids which keeps them agile, and this also helps them quell their loneliness. Moreover, they don't want to repeat the mistakes they made with their children. They have, by this time, realised that two-way dialogue is the key.”
Talreja’s daughter Sasha is happy with the relationship her parents have with her twins. “When I was a child, my dad and mom essentially wanted me to be happy and let me by my own person. They do the same for the twins but leave out the punishments because I am supposed to be the authority figure now. I love their bond,” she laughs.
Similarly, businessman Siddhartha Khanna has no complaint. “My mother, Aarti, is more lenient with my daughter Shanaira than she was with me as a child. She was very particular about our behaviour as children but where my daughter is concerned, my mother’s favourite phrase is: “Just let her enjoy.”
Khanna reasons, “It’s because grandparents have more time and a chance to relive their childhood. It’s a beautiful relationship. My daughter misses her on vacations. And if mom’s going to my sister's place, she doesn't like the idea. Grandkids can go for a vacation, grandmothers can't,” he concludes with a laugh.
Aarti says, “I used to wonder why my mother-in-law is running after her grandchildren, but today I find myself behaving in the same way with my three granddaughters (Shanaira from son Siddhartha and twins Piaa and Panaesha from daughter Karishma). I have been upgraded from a mother to a grandmother, and that feeling is wow. I was more of a mother to my children than a friend. But my grandchildren treat me like a friend not like a naani or daadi.”
The relationship between grandparents and grandkids is special. “Grandparents tend to be more relaxed, have more time to spend, and are often deeply in tune with a child’s needs. This can make them a ‘secure base’ for the child - a safe place to turn to for emotional support, concludes Shahani.
