Dating these days often feels more like a networking event or a lively mixer than an opportunity for genuine connection. Extroverts, I’m looking at you. With your natural gift for socializing and storytelling, you bring great energy to any room, but when it comes to dating, this social approach can actually be frustrating. Dating isn’t just another social engagement. It’s a space meant for more intimate, intentional interactions that help us understand if there’s a deeper compatibility. When it’s treated like a night out with friends, something essential gets lost.
Let’s get something clear right off the bat: socializing is fun, and extroverts are the life of the party. They are the storytellers, the joke-crackers, the ones who light up group dinners and bring new people together. In a friend group or at a work function, they shine. But in the dating world, where we’re ideally exploring genuine personal connection, this approach doesn’t always hit the mark.
When extroverts bring their social habits into dating, the experience can quickly feel diluted. Dates become an opportunity to try out jokes, recount interesting stories, or talk about the latest trip or event they attended. This might feel like it creates an entertaining date, but it doesn’t always leave room for that deeper layer of curiosity about the other person, a critical component of getting to know a potential partner.
People go on dates hoping to feel seen and heard on a more personal level. If a date starts to feel like a mini-social gathering, it can make the person across the table feel like just another listener rather than a significant participant in a mutual conversation. The extroverted impulse to “work the room,” even if it’s just two people, can create an unbalanced interaction where the quieter person might struggle to be seen or find space to share. Many times, they might leave the date feeling more like an audience than a potential partner.
Another unintended downside of treating dates as social events is the pace at which the relationship progresses—or doesn’t progress. Socializing in its purest form is light-hearted and enjoyable, but often not very deep. When a date feels like a fun hangout or casual coffee with a friend, it’s hard to find those opportunities to discuss more substantial topics that foster true intimacy. When two people meet in the dating context, they’re usually (hopefully) seeking something beyond mere friendship, yet the date can stay at a surface level if one person is focused on keeping the mood light and entertaining rather than vulnerable and revealing.
There’s also the question of attention. In our busy lives, attention is one of the greatest gifts we can give. It’s more than just asking polite questions or nodding at the right times; it’s about actively engaging and following threads of conversation that help us learn about who someone really is. When dating is approached as a social opportunity, dates can easily become repetitive. Extroverts may feel that they’ve made the effort, shared stories, and ticked the “dating” box, yet they might not have given the experience the focus and attention it deserves to see if there’s a lasting connection beneath the small talk.
Instead of treating dating as just another opportunity to meet someone new and tell funny or interesting stories, perhaps extroverts can try to reframe dating as a time to practice active listening. Ask questions that reveal who the person is beyond their polished anecdotes, and dive into subjects that matter to them. If this approach feels awkward, even uncomfortable, it’s a good sign—it means you’re opening up a new kind of space, one that has the potential to go beyond lighthearted banter. The goal isn’t to impress with stories or jokes, but to show curiosity about the other person’s experiences, dreams, and values.
To all the extroverts out there: keep your social energy and bring your fun spirit, but remember that dating deserves a different kind of attention. Save the lively anecdotes and ice-breakers for your next social event. Instead, use your charm to make your date feel seen, heard, and appreciated as a unique individual. You may just find that with a little more focus and a bit less of a socializing mindset, the connections you form on dates become deeper, more meaningful, and even more rewarding.
(The writer is a mental health and behavioural sciences columnist, conducts art therapy workshops and provides personality development sessions for young adults. She can be found @the_millennial_pilgrim on Instagram and Twitter)
