As Diwali comes to an end (we know it's over because rich people leave their helpers all the extra crackers they were too lazy to light in the first place), it's time to look at the next big event on the calendar. And before you say Children's Day, which may cause me to die laughing, let me stop you there. It's not Children's Day or Christmas or New Year and night. The next event post-Diwali is the marathon season. That is not to say the season is very long; in actuality, it means the season of marathon races.
Of course marathon insiders will say that today marathons are organised all year round, without a break. In that context, there are perhaps even more marathoners than elections these days and that is saying something, so in that sense, the marathons distill into one big never-ending marathon all year round. But the peak season is November to February. This holds true for all Indian cities, except Delhi. In Delhi due to fog conditions, one out of three marathons will be stuck behind large utility vehicles, which due to poor visibility will be driving at the same pace as the runners, approximately 4 miles per hour.
But more than the police, harassed motorists and pedestrians, the most suffering group is that of the marathon spouses. These are the ones who face the after-effects of this marathon culture. The silent victims, who fall by the wayside, as their spouses run off to greater glory in marathon after marathon. One such victim am I. Your friendly neighbourhood suffering spouse, and this is my story. In the same week that my wife went to Berlin and back for a marathon race, I took exactly the same time as her, to go from Churchgate to Parel and back. The same time!
However, let's start at the beginning. Which, for a marathon, is a very good place to start (although I know a few who will happily start in the middle, if it guarantees them silverware).
The harassment of the marathon's spouse starts at roughly 4.15am, a very good time to be awake, if you are delivering milk. Milkmen, by the way, are the only professionals who can train for a marathon in the morning after completing a day's work. My wife, Ayesha, who doesn't wish to be named and so shall be called Jersey Number 1512 from now on, wakes up and does what many marathoners have to do in tropical countries － she shaves. What does she shave off? Since I'm not privy to these details as the bathroom door stays locked, I presume it's her legs. But after 18 years of marriage, who can say for sure?
Then she lies on a mat and stretches her body. All this to the accompaniment of light music, to ensure I'm awake and taking advantage of this early time period. Then at 4.31am Jersey Number 1512 gives me instructions for the day, much in the same vein as Kim Jong-un would to his uncles, although if push came to shove, it is pretty clear that Kim Jong-un is no marathoner and in all probability has never run a yard in his life.
At 4.48am, she's on WhatsApp with her marathon group, which while not yet marked as a terrorist group, has already started its noble duty of intimidating the neighbourhood. Then Jersey Number 1512 moves into 'Dark Knight Mode' and then just like the caped crusader (who is clearly a gentler version of a marathoner) 1512 puts on her utility belt, which has on it 2 bottles of water, a small towel, branched-chain amino acid, and a variety of gels.
Yes, that is right, gels. If like me you grew up in the '80s, then you think gels are something you apply to the hair – wrong.
Gel now is what you eat. Or is it drink? The form of the substance is not clear. You may argue up north that gel is where furious monster Mr P Chidambaram is being held. But that, my friend, is a whole different can of worms. Back to Jersey Number 1512, aka the Dark Knight, aka the caped insider, aka my wife, at exactly 5.08am, leaves the house in order to assemble at the designated meeting place by 5.15am.
All the coordination and planning is done under the auspices of the supreme military commander, who some say invented the marathon but at the last minute, took some part in the battle of Marathon, or Thermopylae at the very least. This man is the third most powerful man in the country. Unless of course, Xi Jinping is visiting, then he immediately moves to the 4th. But he's more powerful than you think. If you really want to know how powerful? I'll let you in on a secret. He's more than Ravi Shastri and Karan Johar together.
He tried to play in the shadows, like a much better looking version of Voldemort. He goes by many names, Aquarius, Om Jai Jagdeesh, Poseidon III, but for the marathon community that he has built and controls with his two strong legs, he goes by the monicker 'Savio'. It is Savio who defines the comings and goings of these extremists in tight shorts. It is Savio, who has through his preachings, broken the spirits of millions of marathon spouses. Also marathon spouses who earn in millions. It is he who gave the marathons their own code of conduct, which they follow unerringly to the T.
This code will explain all, for those of you who are from the outside.
- There is no such thing as late nights.
- Marathon couples will be in bed by 8pm.
- Leg shaving is optional.
- Carbohydrates will slowly cease to exist.
- Marathoners will participate in six international events per year.
- Nothing cheap. Countries like Japan, Germany, and the USA all cost the same and costs will be borne by the spouse.
- Spouse must vacate the bathroom and/or any room for the marathoner at any given time.
- Spouse must put up marathoner spouse's achievements on his social media, without fail.
This is the non-marathon version of the Marathon Magna Carta. This is what lies in store for all of us in Marathonstan. The rest of you please feel free to enjoy Children's Day!
The writer is a comedian, TV anchor, theatre personality, satirist, podcaster and an author.
