How To Break Free From People-Pleasing To Build Genuine Relationships

In our society being agreeable and accommodating is often seen as a positive trait. However, the desire to please everyone can sometimes lead to people pleasing behaviour, which can be harmful to our mental health, relationships and career advancement.

What is a people-pleasing

A people-pleaser is someone who constantly seeks approval and validation of others, often at their own expenses. S/he may avoid expressing her/his true opinions or needs to maintain harmony and avoid conflicts. While the intention behind people-pleasing maybe well-meaning. But in the long run it can show negative effects as well.

Signs of this behaviour

Overly accommodating: You often put others needs before your own, even if it means sacrificing your well-being.

Difficulty in saying ‘no’: You struggle to assert yourself and set boundaries, leading to over commitment.

Excessive guilt or shame: You feel guilty or ashamed for expressing your own needs or opinions.

Fear of rejection: You avoid expressing your true self to avoid negative reactions from others.

Low self-esteem: People-pleasing can lead to low self-esteem, as individuals may seek validation from others to feel worthy.

"Being a people-pleaser will never get you the respect you deserve. Seeking validation from others while neglecting your own needs will prevent you from earning genuine respect,” says Armaan Rizvi, a 19-year-old music artist.

How to stop

Identify your patterns: Become aware of your people pleasing tendencies and from the situations that they arise. Pay attention to situations where you find yourself going out of your way to please others, even if it means sacrificing your own needs or happiness.

Practice self-compassion: Replace self-critical thoughts with self-compassionate statements. Instead of berating yourself for not pleasing everyone, remind yourself that it's okay to prioritise your own needs.

Set healthy boundaries: Learn to say “no” assertively without feeling guilty. Clearly define what you are not willing to do for others by expressing your feelings.

“Breaking this cycle requires setting firm boundaries, staying true to your values, and recognising that saying 'no' is an act of self-respect, not selfishness,” says Bhavika Patni, a professor at Mithibai College.

Express your true-self: Be honest about your thoughts, feelings, and needs. Learn to express yourself confidently and assertively without being aggressive or passive-aggressive.

Seek support: Talk to your family, friends or therapist about your people pleasing tendencies and seek their support. Connect with others who are working on overcoming people-pleasing tendencies.

Build self-confidence: Challenge negative self-talk and focus on your strengths and accomplishments.

Practice assertive communication: Learn effective communication techniques to express your needs and opinions clearly and confidently. If you need additional support, consider attending workshops or classes to improve your assertiveness skills.

Why to stop

Improved mental health: People pleasing can lead to stress, anxiety, and burnout. By setting boundaries and prioritising your own needs, you can improve your mental well-being. “There should be no such thing as pleasing people, this thought should always be secondary. The first priority should always be to set boundaries and respect oneself,” says Palak Palejwala, an undergraduate student.

Stronger relationships: Authentic relationships are built on trust and honesty. By being true to yourself, you’ll attract healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

Growth and success: People-pleasing can hinder your career advancement. Being assertive and advocating for your needs is essential for professional success. Overcoming people-pleasing tendencies can lead to personal growth and self-discovery.

Divya Bhat, a homemaker says, “Instead of focusing our energies outward in pleasing others and depending on the opinion of others, we should rather focus inwards on our inner self, on our strengths and enhance our good qualities.”

While it may be tempting to please everyone, it’s important to remember that it’s not sustainable or healthy. By breaking free from the people-pleasing trap, you can develop stronger relationships, improve your mental health and achieve greater success in all areas of your life.

Published on: Sunday, September 01, 2024, 07:50 AM IST